Penny for my thoughts
I’ve been feeling somewhat introspective lately, probably partly due to working a lot and generally being in my room the rest of the time. I know it is os so cliche for bloggers to write about their deep inner turmoil and pent up angst but I have for the most part resisted the temptation. However I feel the need to write something so this is likely to turn into a stream of incoherent thoughts and probably not get posted.
Rob coming back has been interesting. Rob is one of my closest friends and he’s been away at uni for what feels like a million years now he’s finished and he’s back. He’s had some stuff to deal with lately so I’ve tried to be there for him as best as I could but I don’t think I did a great job. We were talking the other night and he’s where I was when I finished Uni eighteen months ago, not sure what to do next. It made me realise that I’m still there. I have a job I enjoy although I was close to quitting recently and would have regretted it sorely now and an amazing girlfriend who I couldn’t be happier with.
So why do I still feel unsettled? I’m not rich but I never really expected to be yet, I earn a decent wage and I can afford to do most of the things I want but I just feel like something is missing. Maybe this is where people turn to religion, maybe that’s what I need. Sadly I can’t bring myself to believe in any of them and most of the time I wouldn’t want to. The other day I met a Monk, you would never have known what he was if you met him, he wasn’t preachy or creepy or any weirder than any of my other acquaintances, he was just very full. He was so happy and friendly and interested, as if everything was being shown to him. At no point in our conversation did he curse, moan, complain or mention religion.
It felt very odd. The two of us had very different backgrounds from what he told me and yet we were sat in a shop and I was helping him set up an email account and teaching him some basic DTP programs. He’s off to study for a degree in Theology soon and although he won’t read this I wish him all the best. People like him make me think that maybe religion isn’t as bad a concept as I often hold it to be, if someone can be happy for believing, no, for knowing that these things exist and happen according to some greater power then perhaps more good comes of it than I generally accept.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to become religious I just found it an interesting experience and I think it’s made me reflect on my life and where it’s going. I’m not depressed, I just feel vaguely ambivalent to most things at the moment, like I’m just staying still and letting the world wash over me. Maybe everyone feels like this, I imagine they do or maybe I just hope they do. One thing is certain though wherever my life leads next I have to make a conscious effort to stop spending money. Whatever I do next it’s going to require a fairly considerable amount of money I’m certain of that.